Yoga and Horses
This has got to be the funniest paper I ever got from a student at the University of Maryland Baltimore County! A little explanation.... I teach a for-credit course in Ashtanga Yoga twice per year (Winter Session, 4 weeks, 3 hour classes twice per week per section; Summer I Session, 6 weeks, 2 hour classes twice per week per section). Students are only required to attend classes for their grade, they don't have to "perfect" their poses. I modify for individual circumstances. In the event that a student cannot make up a missed class, I ask that they write a paper on Yoga.
Mr. Warres is an employee of Medieval Times, a themed restaurant which stages battles on horseback in a central arena; diners are divided into sections which cheer for one knight (Blue Knight, Yellow Knight, Black Knight, etc.) in an elimination tournament. There is a dramatic story attached which makes things great fun! No, they don't offer vegetarian options (no vegetarians in Medieval Europe), but when you get to see the falcon perform (she flies right over your head! Just don't move or she might think you're dinner) and the "horse ballet" (choreography of horses; the horse and rider must act as one, and it is beautiful!) the food is not what you come for...
Enjoy this paper and feel free to tell your friends about it!
Namaste, hon!
Matthew Warres
Prof. Nicht
Yoga, Summer Session 1
Note: all Sanskrit in this paper is a product of the author’s delusions and poor memory. Any correlations of the terms to actual words are purely coincidental.
I perform modified sun salutations several times a day. This superior form of sun salutation involves the release of the equine bandhas lock, and the resultant need for expeditious application of the yogic mitzvah of non-dirtiness via composite rake apparatus. The breathing technique of crapizondegroun peegidup varies from standard (wussy) sun salutations in that the inhalation segment is performed before start position is approached summwahneeydasheet. I try to alleviate my misery by thinking of the poor saps at Vishnu Times, the Dinner Tournament in Jakarta which uses Elephants instead of horses. These sun salutations are the cornerstone of my new equestrian yogic practice™ is based.
Equestrian yogic practice involves mind, body and tight pants. Tight pants are key in “cooking the vegetables” so that the rider can be freed from all of the tension imposed by masculinity. The obtuse observer may pre-emptously surmise that the use of restrictive leg-wear means rider leg flexibility need not be unrestricted. Balderdashimitsihi! These tyrannical tights serve to glue the inner legs to the saddle and horse. Medieval Times proudly uses Wintec English saddles, which are essentially the “thong” of saddles--we might as well paint the damn things on. This absence of saddle means that the horse feels it when you pick your nose or think about Jessica Alba. My point is that the tiny pants and saddle serve to merge the rider into one large and really stupid conglomerate. In my first three years of riding I was constantly cursed with stiff and unresponsive horses. The horses would all sneak out of their stalls at night to watch desperate housewives and discuss how they would run really slow and clumsily when I was on them. I thought this was unfair, so one day I confronted our head horse trainer about the matter. He called dummasheetdaheet and explained that horses are herd animals like Asians at UMBC and thus must watch sentimental television and urinate in groups. He also said that the horses were stiff because I was stiff. He then distributed pink Motorola Razrs to all the geldings.
I was thoroughly disturbed by the horse master’s assertions. As all smart people know, it is awesomely convenient to blame everything in life on other people or animals. The fact that I had to change something about myself really sucked. I decided to exercise my American power of self-determination by signing up for T-mobile and getting a cool rebate on a pink Motorola razr. My riding did not improve. Later I signed up for Yoga and Ballet. My coworkers thought this was pretty gay. I switched my phone to the metallic razr.
Please let me clarify something right now: I took yoga at UMBC 2 years ago, and it did very little to help my riding or flexibility. Honestly it just felt like I was tearing myself apart. In the interim I stretched some on my own and realized I carry so much extra muscle mass that I need a much longer warm-up before I can attempt anything close to a stretch. This time around I did cardio and light lifting or calisthenics before class. The already warm muscles were then ready to stretch in class. I really would recommend some-sort of extra warm-up for meatheads who take yoga. The only downside of this is extreme sweating. (I had to hire a lifeguard! Just kidding.... teacher's note)
I used to think that flexibility could only be measured by how far my leg could swing to the front or side. Of course this is as downright idiotic as the people who go to the gym and only train chest. This summer session in yoga I learned all about hip flexibility and seat-bone positioning. The seat bones can be turned and rotated all sorts of ways to make it appear like you are flexible. This summer I realized that most of my previous practice in stretching had involved strategic cheating of the seat bones. I had a lot of trouble getting lined up on revolved triangle and the standing poses. The seated rotational poses in 1st series were also a unique challenge. I also discovered that my hips opened up more on one side, throwing my whole body out of whack.
The first positive effects on the hip stretching appeared during my elementary ballet class. A few weeks into yoga I found that I could let my knees travel out in the plies. This small alteration in their path immediately took a tremendous amount of stress off my knees. I also found I could balance better on my bad leg. For the first time in a year I was able to get the correct parts of the left foot in contact with the ground. It really is fascinating how the movement in the hip dictates all weight distribution.
Weight distribution has always been a problem in my riding. I tend to sit unevenly in the saddle, and thus can perform certain fancy shmancy lateral maneuvers only on one side. In mid June I discovered I could perform all the lateral maneuvers from both sides… coincidence, yoga or aliens… you decide. I figured it was yoga, and before the next riding practice I did a full yoga/ballet warm-up. I interposed all of the seated hip work with a lot of grand plies in 5th position. When I got on the horse it really was amazing—I felt something I never had before! (and no, it was not my vegetables)
A little preface here: horses not only have cell phones just like us, they also have shoulder blades/hip bones. These things shift around, and when the rider is using a wintec he can feel every shift under him. What was amazing about this time on the horse is that the horse’s hips did not shift under me—they shifted with me. My body now had the give to adjust my hips with every stride of the horse. Through this cadence I was able to sit deeper and give/receive immediate feedback with the horse.
Yoga has probably done other subtle things, such as improve my posture through opening the chest. I really can’t over-emphasize my appreciation for the hip opening though. I remember that the first time I took the class I had dismissed all the hip alignment instructions as superfluous and trivial. I realize now that they have an importance that applies directly to my livelihood. I think my next computer will be a laptop I can write in that kneeling position (one of the modifications I gave to students to open the hips in internal rotation...teacher's note). Maybe the riding master will let me borrow one of the I-books he bought the quarter horses.
Mr. Warres is an employee of Medieval Times, a themed restaurant which stages battles on horseback in a central arena; diners are divided into sections which cheer for one knight (Blue Knight, Yellow Knight, Black Knight, etc.) in an elimination tournament. There is a dramatic story attached which makes things great fun! No, they don't offer vegetarian options (no vegetarians in Medieval Europe), but when you get to see the falcon perform (she flies right over your head! Just don't move or she might think you're dinner) and the "horse ballet" (choreography of horses; the horse and rider must act as one, and it is beautiful!) the food is not what you come for...
Enjoy this paper and feel free to tell your friends about it!
Namaste, hon!
Matthew Warres
Prof. Nicht
Yoga, Summer Session 1
Note: all Sanskrit in this paper is a product of the author’s delusions and poor memory. Any correlations of the terms to actual words are purely coincidental.
I perform modified sun salutations several times a day. This superior form of sun salutation involves the release of the equine bandhas lock, and the resultant need for expeditious application of the yogic mitzvah of non-dirtiness via composite rake apparatus. The breathing technique of crapizondegroun peegidup varies from standard (wussy) sun salutations in that the inhalation segment is performed before start position is approached summwahneeydasheet. I try to alleviate my misery by thinking of the poor saps at Vishnu Times, the Dinner Tournament in Jakarta which uses Elephants instead of horses. These sun salutations are the cornerstone of my new equestrian yogic practice™ is based.
Equestrian yogic practice involves mind, body and tight pants. Tight pants are key in “cooking the vegetables” so that the rider can be freed from all of the tension imposed by masculinity. The obtuse observer may pre-emptously surmise that the use of restrictive leg-wear means rider leg flexibility need not be unrestricted. Balderdashimitsihi! These tyrannical tights serve to glue the inner legs to the saddle and horse. Medieval Times proudly uses Wintec English saddles, which are essentially the “thong” of saddles--we might as well paint the damn things on. This absence of saddle means that the horse feels it when you pick your nose or think about Jessica Alba. My point is that the tiny pants and saddle serve to merge the rider into one large and really stupid conglomerate. In my first three years of riding I was constantly cursed with stiff and unresponsive horses. The horses would all sneak out of their stalls at night to watch desperate housewives and discuss how they would run really slow and clumsily when I was on them. I thought this was unfair, so one day I confronted our head horse trainer about the matter. He called dummasheetdaheet and explained that horses are herd animals like Asians at UMBC and thus must watch sentimental television and urinate in groups. He also said that the horses were stiff because I was stiff. He then distributed pink Motorola Razrs to all the geldings.
I was thoroughly disturbed by the horse master’s assertions. As all smart people know, it is awesomely convenient to blame everything in life on other people or animals. The fact that I had to change something about myself really sucked. I decided to exercise my American power of self-determination by signing up for T-mobile and getting a cool rebate on a pink Motorola razr. My riding did not improve. Later I signed up for Yoga and Ballet. My coworkers thought this was pretty gay. I switched my phone to the metallic razr.
Please let me clarify something right now: I took yoga at UMBC 2 years ago, and it did very little to help my riding or flexibility. Honestly it just felt like I was tearing myself apart. In the interim I stretched some on my own and realized I carry so much extra muscle mass that I need a much longer warm-up before I can attempt anything close to a stretch. This time around I did cardio and light lifting or calisthenics before class. The already warm muscles were then ready to stretch in class. I really would recommend some-sort of extra warm-up for meatheads who take yoga. The only downside of this is extreme sweating. (I had to hire a lifeguard! Just kidding.... teacher's note)
I used to think that flexibility could only be measured by how far my leg could swing to the front or side. Of course this is as downright idiotic as the people who go to the gym and only train chest. This summer session in yoga I learned all about hip flexibility and seat-bone positioning. The seat bones can be turned and rotated all sorts of ways to make it appear like you are flexible. This summer I realized that most of my previous practice in stretching had involved strategic cheating of the seat bones. I had a lot of trouble getting lined up on revolved triangle and the standing poses. The seated rotational poses in 1st series were also a unique challenge. I also discovered that my hips opened up more on one side, throwing my whole body out of whack.
The first positive effects on the hip stretching appeared during my elementary ballet class. A few weeks into yoga I found that I could let my knees travel out in the plies. This small alteration in their path immediately took a tremendous amount of stress off my knees. I also found I could balance better on my bad leg. For the first time in a year I was able to get the correct parts of the left foot in contact with the ground. It really is fascinating how the movement in the hip dictates all weight distribution.
Weight distribution has always been a problem in my riding. I tend to sit unevenly in the saddle, and thus can perform certain fancy shmancy lateral maneuvers only on one side. In mid June I discovered I could perform all the lateral maneuvers from both sides… coincidence, yoga or aliens… you decide. I figured it was yoga, and before the next riding practice I did a full yoga/ballet warm-up. I interposed all of the seated hip work with a lot of grand plies in 5th position. When I got on the horse it really was amazing—I felt something I never had before! (and no, it was not my vegetables)
A little preface here: horses not only have cell phones just like us, they also have shoulder blades/hip bones. These things shift around, and when the rider is using a wintec he can feel every shift under him. What was amazing about this time on the horse is that the horse’s hips did not shift under me—they shifted with me. My body now had the give to adjust my hips with every stride of the horse. Through this cadence I was able to sit deeper and give/receive immediate feedback with the horse.
Yoga has probably done other subtle things, such as improve my posture through opening the chest. I really can’t over-emphasize my appreciation for the hip opening though. I remember that the first time I took the class I had dismissed all the hip alignment instructions as superfluous and trivial. I realize now that they have an importance that applies directly to my livelihood. I think my next computer will be a laptop I can write in that kneeling position (one of the modifications I gave to students to open the hips in internal rotation...teacher's note). Maybe the riding master will let me borrow one of the I-books he bought the quarter horses.
posted by peacenicked at 9:02 PM
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